Living in the Now

I started reading a book yesterday that inspired me; not it’s contents but rather the enthusiasm of the author to write the story. It brought back the feelings I felt when my first book was merely a set of workshop notes. There were not enough hours in a day, nor were my fingers fast enough to keep up with the torrent of unwritten words, scrambling to find their places on the pages. I remember the sleepless nights of vocabulary nightmare; doubting my linguistic skills, and the heart wrenching debates on selecting the appropriate word; simultaneously eliminating the less suitable relative. The thrill of stressing about deadlines, front cover designs, font choices, diagram placements, accuracy of content, and finally, holding the finished manuscript in my hand. I was hooked and couldn’t wait to get the next book captured on paper. Four books and more years than I care to mention later, I can feel the desire to write settling into my being. What a great feeling to have passion running through my veins once again!

I imagine that you need to double check whether I really said ... The thrill of stressing..... Yes, I did. I have always operated at my best when I am under pressure and unlike the stress that commuters experience on their way to work every day, mine is frequently self induced. I recall an internal debate concerning the given deadline soon after I was commissioned to write my first book. In my mind I had to shorten the quantity of time sufficiently to ensure the quality of the content. I still do this with major and minor tasks alike. I constantly remind myself that my days on this planet are numbered – a figure totally unknown to me off course – ensuring that I do my best in the moment and don’t bargain on the opportunity to repeat the exercise. One of my many philosophies is that Life is NOT a rehearsal. Needless to say, the result of this particular philosophy precipitates into my character as a sense of urgency; always busy and needing to take care of matters as they arise.

I may as well confess at this stage, that the main driving force behind my urgency to get the first book on Kabalah published within a certain time frame was rebelliousness. You see, according to ancient law, in order to study the Kabalah, one had to be Jewish, over 40, male and married. At that stage I was a 39 year old, non Jewish, single female. And the clock was ticking, bringing my 40th birthday, proposed marriage to a Jew and inevitable conversion closer and closer (rest assured – I didn’t consider a gender reassignment). Perhaps the urgency was due to a previous incarnation, a time when I was free to study any and every system that shed light on my existence (probably Jewish male, married and over 40). Or perhaps this past life is now allowing me to tap into the cosmic consciousness to access the ancient wisdom of the Kabalah. It doesn’t really matter though – it is what it is.